What to do if your young child is being indoctrinated by a cult without your permission?

Let's face it: If you're a parent, you have to prepare yourself for the inevitable day when religious zealots attempt indoctrinating your kiddo against your wishes. This can happen in a number of different ways, but the four most common contexts are:

1. An ex-spouse, in-law, or other family member preaching to your child when you're not around.

2. A classmate sharing information about their religion (and why your child is going to hell) when they're at school.

3. Religious "porn slappers" who wait outside of schools to hand out tracts, Bibles, and other material about the end of the world and eternal damnation.

4. An innocuous invitation to church, birthday party, or some other event with a hidden agenda to evangelize your child.

Regardless of whether you hold to a religious belief system or not, there are people who will compete against your personal values to win over your child's heart, mind, and soul. It was done to me as a boy, and I've watched it happen to my own daughter. And there's reason to be alarmed when others try to convert your kiddo: It's our job as parents to create a safe environment that is free of shame- or fear-inducing attitudes and behaviors. Sadly, many religions will do just the opposite.

So what should you do to counter this type of brainwashing and indoctrination?

Remain Calm and Curious

If your child starts regurgitating the cult-like manifesto of someone else's belief system, it's important to stay unperturbed and inquisitive. You want to empower your child to talk about what they've heard (or what they were told) so that they can come to their own conclusions. Even as young as four or five years old, let them freely express what was said and then ask, "Well, what do you think about all of this, honey?" or "How did you feel when they said that to you?"

Empower your kids to think for themselves, and let them know that they are allowed to reject the beliefs of others. Create a safe place for them to share their ideas, thoughts, fears, and other feelings. Let them know that they can always discuss these issues without retaliation or judgment.

Be patient and kind as they process these big thoughts in real-time. It will likely be decades before they solidify into any actual belief system of their own. Don't pressure or rush them into adopting yours.

Reiterate the World's Diversity

Parents should also reinforce the fact that most people in the world do not think and believe the same as the people trying to indoctrinate their kids. This statement is statistically true even if you're addressing the doctrines of the world's largest theological belief system, Catholicism.

Reiterate that your child does not have to follow the crowd or adhere to someone else's religion simply because they preach a loud sermon. They can have their own thoughts about these things. Then tell your child, "I don't believe in God [or whatever feels authentic and genuine to you], but your friend does." You can go further and clarify, "I used to believe and changed my mind, and that's okay, too."

The goal is for your child to feel confident about coming to their own conclusions and to accept (with empathy) the diversity of beliefs on our planet. If someone has told your child that they (or you) are going to hell, then reassure them that they are safe and protected. Just because some people believe this way does not mean it is true.

Explain the Tactics

As your children get older, be proactive by telling them what to expect from religious zealots and cults who seek to win them over. For instance, let them know that a favorite tactic is to love bomb people into converting by lavishing them with attention and affection. Explain that this is a manipulation technique designed to make people experience extreme forms of love and acceptance so that they associate the religious dogma with positive feelings. Love bombing lowers people's guard in preparation for exposing them to the uglier side of the religion.

Although it almost never works as an evangelistic tool, threats of eternal damnation or divine punishment can still cause anxiety and fear in children. In some cases, these types of tactics are meant to create co-dependency and trauma bonding within the religious setting. Prepare your kiddos by explaining that healthy relationships do not involve threats and coercion. Help them develop the skills and confidence to detect (and then flee) abusive systems that believe this way.

Finally, explain that at some point in their existence, life will be very difficult and painful. This is normal and expected. Hopefully, you've done your job as a parent in teaching your children resilience and grit so they can better cope with the inevitable trials of life. Then explain it is when we are at our most vulnerable that we are most susceptible to brainwashing. Indeed, people oftentimes attend church services in order to deal with a personal or national crisis. And they are most responsive to indoctrination in five specific scenarios: Divorce, death, spiritual experiences, sickness, or a major disruption to their personal life (finances, employment, etc.). Your kids will be told that the best way to combat loneliness and depression is to get involved in cult activities and commit to building close relationships with other cult members. Let them know that short-term fixes can prove enormously destructive in the long run.

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