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Churches … synagogues … mosques … temples … monasteries … seminaries.
These are often places of peace and love and acceptance … yet almost every clergy member has witnessed and experienced some very shady behaviors happen behind the curtain.
If you're in some form of religious ministry, you had better read this real-life story ... so you don't also traumatize someone in your congregation.
“Church is about all I've ever known. I was raised in a family of God-fearing, rule-following Baptists … specifically, we attended a church that was part of the General Association of Regular Baptist Churches (GARBC). I attended a GARBC camp growing up, I attended a college that (at the time) was sponsored by the association, and my first youth pastorate was at a GARBC church in central Indiana (my now wife's home church). I learned from an early age that our group was right and nearly everyone else was dead wrong (especially all of my peers and friends in our predominantly Catholic town!).
“I pretty much thought I'd found my ‘dream’ ministry position, working with college students every day, living in a church-owned house a block from campus and with fraternity houses on the other side of an alley that ran behind our house, establishing a new campus group from scratch, etc. Things were going great, our group was growing, and the senior pastor (note: I was one of three pastors on staff … and at 32, I was the eldest) expressed to me his pleasure with how things were progressing.
"I was again summoned to [the senior pastor’s] office for a meeting. On that occasion, I was told to bring my wife with me when I returned to my office following lunch[….]When we entered his office, we noticed right away that both he and his wife were sitting behind his desk … and my wife and I took our seats across from them. They both then proceeded to address us with everything they felt we were doing wrong in our ministry. We were flabbergasted, to the say the least! We really did not know how to react or to respond. And honestly, I do not even recall how — or IF — we responded to their comments and criticisms. At the end of their list of accusations (some of which had to do with my wife's involvement in the music ministry [how often she played the piano and/or sang in church services, etc.] how often she was ‘seen’ at women's events, etc.), we were informed that we'd need to begin weekly ‘counseling sessions’ with the two of them.
“Such sessions were nothing but a form of lunch dates for the two of them — they'd pick a favorite restaurant of theirs in our little college town, we'd ride with them in their van and then sit across from each other as couples, and they'd proceed to enjoy their meals while requesting updates from us on our ‘progress.’
“About a month later, prior to the start of a Sunday evening church service, the senior pastor caught me and told me that we needed to grab coffee afterward. In my gut, I knew what was coming. Once seated at the popular burger joint near campus, he proceeded to tell me that ‘THIS wasn't working.’ He then told me that we'd need to leave the church … and he proceeded to throw out to me the precise date on which I'd need to offer my resignation! Beyond that, he told me the exact date on which we'd need to vacate our house near campus.
“My wife and I basically ‘played the game’ of putting on our ‘church faces,’ went through all the motions of acting like everything was normal, and did our best to keep things secretive and swept neatly under the rug. On the Sunday morning I read my letter of resignation (pre-approved by the senior pastor, of course!), a great deal of people in the congregation approached us afterward and wondered what was going on — after all, I had no other job I was going off to, we had a baby on the way, we had no other option for a new housing alternative, etc. Many mentioned to us something like, ‘This wasn't your choice, was it?’ We'd already made the determination that we'd keep quiet unless someone approached us and asked us point blank what had happened. If they asked for details, we'd offer them (to a point). But our desire was not to take anyone down.
"We knew nothing else but church….[and] this series of events affected me more deeply than I could ever begin to articulate. I am so very scarred. I am so very wounded to this day. My wife and I do not attend church (as in a building) and have not done so since 2009 or 2010.”
Learn how to identify and support those struggling with religious trauma.
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